Sunday, December 16, 2012

To You

It's 1:56 in the morning as I start this little blog post addressed to you, my wonderful friend. You need to know how long I've been wanting to write this ever since deleting the last one. I regret that, you know. If only I'd seen what you'd commented before I deleted that post -- how much it seemed to have meant to you. Luckily, Blogger keeps the comments. So that's enough for me. :)

I just finished talking with you, but now that I'm back at home, I miss you. I wish we could talk longer. But there are rules we both need to follow. I'm sorry to say I've broken mine... The curfew I set for myself was nearly two hours ago!

I do need to go to bed. But I do need to write this for myself, and for you. Right now, it can't wait. So I'm stuck... I'll just keep writing until I decide!

I dream about the day you fully understand how much our relationship means to me. I dream even more about the day I fully understand how much it means to you.

I want to know everything about you. I want to know your deepest thoughts, your dearest dreams -- those you hold closest.

One day, perhaps.

That's why I ask you how you're doing. That's why I ask you any other question. To know you. Some questions so simple and not overly inquiring. Each time, I get something like 'Good. I did (this) today.' But that tells me so much sometimes. Every time I talk to you, I learn so much more than you say. I take in your personality more and more each time you speak, each time your eyes move up into mine, each time you open up, each time you close up -- it always tells me something more.

I learn how you interact. I see your body language. Glimpses of how you feel, what you're thinking, who you are. Only glimpses. And it's my job to figure out what they mean, so I can know you. Understand you. Love you even more.

You intrigue me. You fascinate me. I can't help but wonder how similar we truly are to each other. I feel like one day, we'll know that we are almost the same person. But I can't assume that. For both of us to know, we need to continue getting to know each other inside and out. And we will.

Every time I think about you, I see sunflowers and skinny jeans and hear indie music. I feel the warmth of a sun and I see it's yellowness as it pounds rays onto my face and warms me all over. I don't know what the sun means, only that it makes me feel good and that it reminds me exactly of how I feel when I'm around you.  Lighting up parts of my life that I thought never could be lit.

That warmth reminds me of something long ago that I cannot place.

I remember all of the times we talked. Almost every conversation it seems. I must cherish them if I can remember almost everything we've ever talked about in our long chain of serious but enjoyable conversations. Some of them lasting for more than six hours or so. I miss those.

Ever since I first spoke to you and introduced myself to you in that car as we dropped you off from a singles ward event, I saw a beauty and friendliness I immediately recognized. Such a vague memory but something I remembered I'd always thirsted for. I wanted to be your friend from day one. I knew things could be.

And then we really talked, that one summer night. The very first time I was able to help you through something you were struggling with. I didn't know you, but you told me everything. You trusted me. I was touched. I knew I cared about you already. I gave you the best advice I could muster. I already wanted to be there for you every time but I couldn't say anything yet.

And then things got difficult, but I never forgot that night. That feeling. So I stuck around. I persevered. I still had more to learn from you and I knew I would miss that warm sun even more if I left it cold turkey.

I'm still here, and I will never forget you.

You have been a great friend. Trusting. Loving. Caring. Such a beautiful person inside. So full of ambition and love and the Spirit. So fun to be around, even when we aren't talking.

Never forget me either.

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